What is Intrinsic Motivation?

Intrinsic motivation is the act of doing something without any obvious external rewards. You do it because it is enjoyable and interesting. This is a cornerstone of Montessori education. Why do children learn or want to learn? I believe it is because we as humans are hard-wired for curiosity and learning! Children come into this world curious about the world around them and it is our prime job as the adults in their lives to keep this curiosity burning and alive.

A Montessori education when delivered with authenticity, delivers just this. I am attaching a couple of articles here that also discuss this: 

• A Montessori Approach to Intrinsic Motivation

• Intrinsic Motivation & the Traditionally-Educated Child

Why is this important? We will create people who are continuous learners for the sake of learning, and who sense the interconnectedness of all.  

So what can parents do to cultivate and nurture this quality?

• Acknowledge effort not product: You can say to a child, “I noticed how hard you worked on that, how do you feel?” instead of “Good job” or “I’m proud of you.”

• Follow their interests: If you find your child is curious about sea animals, get books, visit aquariums and feed their curiosity. Support their curiosity.

• Share what you are learning: One overlooked tool is modeling. Model for your child what you get from learning yourself. The joy of learning becomes contagious.

• Honor mistakes: Mistakes are an important step in the learning process. Honor it. Be curious about what they learned, instead of getting things right. Focus on learning over memorization.

• Give time: Allow your children to have some long stretches of time to just explore things without interference or questions from you or anyone else. Honor and allow struggles. Do not step in too quickly. Give them time to approach you for help and when they do, give the smallest help possible. I often find (even for me) this is the most difficult part. We as parents do not enjoy watching our children struggle, but it is in the struggle real learning happens.

• Reflection time: Make sure you allow time for self reflection by asking questions that invite this. “Can you teach me how you did that?” “I noticed that was tough, what did you learn about this?”

Those of you who are even more curious about this topic, I recommend the book, Drive by Daniel Pink and Punished by Rewards by Alfie Kohn.

Children and Anger

Anger is simply an emotion.  As one of my favorite children’s book lines repeats, “feelings come and feelings go.”  However, when our children feel anger, it invokes many different feelings and thoughts inside of us:

●      It might scare us – will my child grow up to be an angry adult?

●      It might annoy us – we may have received messages growing up telling us it was not ok to feel angry

●      It might sadden us – we may feel like we have failed as a parent if my child is not happy all the time.

●      It might make us resentful – we may think, “after ALL I am doing for you, you are angry!”

I know when my children were growing up, I felt all of these things at different times and there were other feelings and thoughts.  Take care of yourself first, by taking deep breaths, or picturing your child when they are sleeping or when they were infants.  That same sweetness is still inside your child now.

So, what do we do when our children get angry?  According to Jane Nelsen, the author of Positive Discipline, we can use the 3 A’S of Anger:

●      Acknowledge – “I can see you are really angry.”

●      Allow- “Everyone gets angry sometimes,” or “I’ve been angry before or I can see why that might make you angry.”

●      Acceptable responses  - “Would you like to punch a pillow, scream on the porch, stomp on some bubble wrap?”

What we want to teach children is that anger is not a bad thing, it is simply a feeling.  How we express our anger can be hurtful.  The other thing we want our children to learn is that whatever feeling we have we will be accepted by our parents and caregivers.  They need to know they are not bad for the feeling they have.  They need to know that they will be loved no matter what.

If, however, they have hurt someone or damaged something during their anger, then when they are calm they will be required to repair any hurt feeling or items.  This last step is crucial.  Making amends will help them to take responsibility in the future.  Please remember that when they are fixing things, not to add-on to their disappointment by lecturing, scolding, shaming etc. 

           

Connecting With Your Child: A 2020 New Years Resolution

As it is a new year and some consider this a new decade, many of you might make resolutions to be a better parent.  We all have habits that we would like to change in our parenting.  Some of us would like to yell or lecture less, others may wish to not be so permissive.  Either way, know that you are a good parent who is showing up and trying your best everyday. 

One of the most important things to not lose sight of is connecting with your child doing something that they love (not using technology).  For instance, if your child likes to dig in the dirt, take some uninterrupted time to dig alongside them.  If he likes to cook, have him join you as you make lunch or dinner. It might not look perfect, but a deep connection can arise from the time together.  If she likes to build with blocks or Legos, allow her to lead you in building something together.  Allow your child to lead you.

Take time to listen.  This is hard, we are busy.  Everyday, make sure you make eye contact with them (all your devices put away) and listen to what they want to tell you.  When they are upset, remember to connect with empathy.  This is a hard one and its payoff is immense.

Set limits and follow through.  Know what you will and will not accept in your house and be consistent about these rules.  For instance, if food is only eaten in your kitchen, ensure that everyone only eats in the kitchen (including the adults).  When following through with the rule remember an attitude of friendliness. 

These are some of the basic tools we use and teach at SMA.  I encourage you, above all else, to take care of yourselves.  You will be able to offer more freely your kind and firm self to children when your needs have been met.  Offer compassion to yourself when you make a mistake.  Your children are watching how you treat yourself and they learn to treat others and themselves that way as well.

I wish that all of you thoroughly enjoy this most honorable job of parenting!  Hope your families’ lives are filled with  love, connection, laughter and ease.

Best,

Vyju

Holiday Giving: The Children

As the Holiday and gift-giving season are in full gear, we as educators are often asked, “Do you have any good ideas on gifts for my child.”  Our response is usually as follows:

• Books – As you build your child’s library take time to ensure books in all genres of reading (picture books, poetry, non-fiction etc). 
• Open-ended toys – Toys like blocks, dress up, other building sets have an infinite number of uses and have stood the test of time.  These kinds of toys allow for creativity, can be used alone or with others, build concentration and are excellent vehicles for language development.
• Toys that look real and “adult-like” – This is especially true for our youngest students.  Toddlers and preschoolers like to be part of your world.  Cooking utensils, wood-working tools, sewing kits are ways in which children can be included in our adult world.  Remember when choosing such activities they should be made for a child’s hand and should be done with adult supervision.
• Board games – Board games for older children can teach math skills, taking turns, not to mention the art of winning and the art of losing.
• Physical Development Toys - Sleds, gym mats, and yoga videos are examples of ways in which children can keep fit during the winter months. 
• Musical Toys - Depending on your ability to tolerate noise, these toys can help develop an auditory sense.
• Experiential Gifts – A gift certificate to make pottery, or day of winter hiking at Fox Island, a day filled doing science experiments, crafting or cooking together.

It is our observation that most of our children have an abundance of toys.   In order for children develop a sense of appreciation for all that they have, parents may want to keep in mind:

• Less is more – It is not the number of gifts, but the quality.  They do not always need to enjoy all the toys all at once.  Put some away for a later date.
•  Season of giving – Ask your child to give away gently used toys to children who do not have as much.
• Gift of time – Children will love to spend a day/lunch/dinner with dad, mom, grand-child.  This is also a time to slow down and create wonderful memories with your child. 
• Thank you cards – Remember that even the youngest of children can be involved in thanking the gift giver for the gift.  If your child is not able to write, they can attach a sticker or draw a picture.  For those that are emerging writers, adults can write the thank you with a highlighter for the child to trace, or he can copy what has been written.

Here is wishing all of you peace during the Holidays.

Warmly,

Vyju