Children and Anger

Anger is simply an emotion.  As one of my favorite children’s book lines repeats, “feelings come and feelings go.”  However, when our children feel anger, it invokes many different feelings and thoughts inside of us:

      It might scare us – will my child grow up to be an angry adult?
      It might annoy us – we may have received messages growing up telling us it was not ok to feel angry
      It might sadden us – we may feel like we have failed as a parent if my child is not happy all the time.
      It might make us resentful – we may think, “after ALL I am doing for you, you are angry!”

I know when my children were growing up, I felt all of these things at different times and there were other feelings and thoughts.  Take care of yourself first, by taking deep breaths, or picturing your child when they are sleeping or when they were infants.  That same sweetness is still inside your child now.

So, what do we do when our children get angry?  According to Jane Nelsen, the author of Positive Discipline, we can use the 3 A’S of Anger:

      Acknowledge – “I can see you are really angry.”
      Allow- “Everyone gets angry sometimes,” or “I’ve been angry before or I can see why that might make you angry.”
      Acceptable responses  - “Would you like to punch a pillow, scream on the porch, stomp on some bubble wrap?”

What we want to teach children is that anger is not a bad thing, it is simply a feeling.  How we express our anger can be hurtful.  The other thing we want our children to learn is that whatever feeling we have we will be accepted by our parents and caregivers.  They need to know they are not bad for the feeling they have.  They need to know that they will be loved no matter what.

If, however, they have hurt someone or damaged something during their anger, then when they are calm they will be required to repair any hurt feeling or items.  This last step is crucial.  Making amends will help them to take responsibility in the future.  Please remember that when they are fixing things, not to add-on to their disappointment by lecturing, scolding, shaming etc. 
           

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